RTFM

I sometimes try not to use profanity, so I will not spell out what the acronym RTFM stands for, but a close approximation is “Read the Fool Manual”.

The type of “manual” I’m referring to is not the instructions on a bag of microwave popcorn or the ever-so-helpful directions on the liquid soap container. You can safely ignore those. No, I’m talking about the ones that matter- for example, the ones with detailed pictures or the ones written by someone you know personally.

If you grab those a-ma-zing Lego assembly instruction booklets and toss them out the window, you’re in for some trouble. You are GOING to have a stack of leftover pieces if you just “wing it” by looking at the picture on the front of the box. Read the doggone instructions- one stinking page at a time! Daggummit. RTFM.

If you are at work and someone hands you a document that you ask for because you’re trying to accomplish a task, how about you just read the thing and follow it- maybe even all of it. It’s not some poorly-translated “engrish fail” half-Korean, half-Sanskrit manual for a frying pan. No, it’s typically the product of hours of school-of-hard-knocks lessons. The author wrote the darn thing because he or she beat their head against a wall a few times and didn’t want to have to go through that mess all over again next year when they have to do their process again. RTFM, daggummit!

For any of you loyal readers that are asking yourselves “Why the rant? Don’t tase me, bro!” allow me to explain. I just sent an email with an attachment to a competent IT guy. He disregarded half of my instructions, which I dutifully repeated in my reply to his “this junk didn’t work” email. I wish that someone in his past had sat him down and told him, “Dude, RTFM. Every time. Daggummit. Seriously.”

So, consider yourselves all informed. I am officially sitting you all down and instructing you to pay attention, RTFM, and start doing that right now. Daggummit.

Dream Big? Maybe

OK, all you great comment-leavers out there. Warm up your fingers and get ready to drop some thought in my comment section. Please- I'd love some guidance here. Ground rules: you can't echo someone else's comment. Be original.


These are mostly unorganized thoughts, but they have a point and they have a common theme- I'll get to those two things soon.

I. By small and simple means are great things brought to pass
Story: About 2 years ago I found Beth's old Rubik's cube in Seth's toybox and decided I was going to figure it out. I worked at it at random times (while my code was building at work, when my computer was rebooting, when I rode to and from work with someone, etc). After a few months of practicing for far less than an hour a day, I had it. And from there I learned how to solve the 2x2x2, 4x4x4, and 5x5x5. All from minutes a day.

Story: I love to read, but with 4 kids I seem to have less and less time each year to dedicate to reading. I started listening to books on CD that I got from the library. During the past 4 years, I have "read" nearly 2 dozen books during my commute to and from work and church activities.

Moral: It's amazing what you can accomplish with simple, repeated effort.


II. Career
Thought: Jared and I were talking about work and our available career paths. He and I both have talked about wanting to pursue higher degrees so that we can teach and help people. Some look at higher degrees as portals to prestige, income, or flexibility in schedule. Others want to make a difference- make their mark on the world. We stayed on that last concept for a while. Jared tossed out this thought like a lawn dart that intuitively finds- and punctures- the sprinkler system: What is the source of our sense of accomplishment?

Unanswered questions: Are we living someone else's dream? Who are we listening to that tells us we have succeeded? Are we deciding that for ourselves? How much do you have to earn/accomplish/be in order to be "done"? Why?


III. Eternal Perspective
Monologue: Many things we do in this life will have eternal consequences- eternal importance. What job we hold or what career we build, however, will probably be just a detail. But in the meantime, while we're still in our lives, making money is a huge deal- having your family end up on the street is a bad thing.
Our relationship with Heavenly Father is supposed to be #1 in our lives. But with work draining 9 hours a day (plus 2 more for commuting)- it sure doesn't seem like He's getting His fair share. There must be some way to put the Lord first while still giving work the lion's share of my time.


IV. Wrap It Up
I'm actually not going to point out the common theme. I'll leave it all out there and let you figure out what it means to you. That's more important than what it means to me.
The point, though, is that how we use our time can prove to be critically helpful or critically damaging.


V. Leave the Loose Ends Untied
Is it okay to dream big? Maybe- if you can be "moderate in all things". Is it okay to float through life with no dreams or plans at all? Maybe- if you make good choices. Where's the line? Nope, sorry- no answers to that one here. Does this whole thought group make you feel unsatisfied and a little uncomfortable- maybe even a bit lost? Yeah, me too. That's why I wrote it down.

Your turn.

Saturday, 31 January, 2009 (part 2)

Near the end of the surprise party, Beth and her Mom start taking down the decorations. Some of the guests thought that was hilarious- they’d never seen a party being undone while it was still in force. They just wanted things clean, so the decorations needed to move along. The couple I was talking to said “Well, it looks like we’ve overstayed our welcome. Time to go!”

A load of people went to Jacob’s new apartment to take a gander at it and I was tasked with putting the twins down for a nap. This I accomplished with very little effort. We simply watched a movie they found boring and they fell asleep in my lap due to lack of interest. Ha!
Once the movie was done, we fired up the Wii and I was getting ready to mop the floor with Will in Golf, but realized I needed to get dressed and out the door for my meeting. I got dressed and headed out the door just in time to hear Jared say,
“Oh no, he fell.”
I looked at Jared and followed his gaze up the road, noticing a figure crumpled in the street. The man stood up and Jared said,
“He got up. He’s okay. Good.”
I could see the guy, but he was almost a quarter mile away so I had no idea who he was. There’s a guy in the neighborhood who can be seen some days on his skateboard and I thought it was him. So I asked Jared,
“Is he just some guy?”
“No,” he replied, “it’s Jacob!”
He started walking quickly toward Jacob and I jumped in my car to head out for my meeting. As I approached them walking back towards my house, I could see concern in Jared’s face (he was walking about a dozen paces in front of Jacob) and blood running down Jacob’s face. Jacob was chatting away on his phone, verbally minimizing the damage he’d done to himself. I stopped and said,
“Holy crap, Jacob.”
Jacob came closer to my car and leaned over so that he could look at himself in one of my side mirrors. It looked like blood had been flowing, but that it wasn’t going to be serious, so I bid them good luck and headed on my way to church.

2 hours later, I pulled back into my driveway and noticed the absence of cars. Only our van was in the driveway. I went through a mental roll-call to figure out where everyone would be. Dad and David would be at the Stake Center; Mom, Beth, and Kristen would be heading to the fireside; Jacob must have headed off in pursuit of womenfolk, as usual… But the lights were on, doors were open, and I knew the kids were still home. So I just had to figure out who was left. But what I saw didn’t add up. Jared and Kristen’s car wasn’t there. I didn’t think Beth would leave Will all by himself to hold down the fort (and more importantly, I didn’t think the kids would let her or Grammy leave them with Uncle Will). It just didn’t add up, but I’d figure it out soon enough. One thing was for sure- it wouldn’t be another surprise party!

I went through the garage door to clean up my mess and Beth and Kristen came out to talk to me.
“So, you don’t know anything about the drama do you?” one of them asked.
“You mean Jacob? I saw he was bleeding as I left. Is he okay?” I replied.
“Well, Jacob and Mom went to the… Wait, no, Dad… Mom, Dad, Will, and Jacob are all at the emergency room. They tried to go to Doctor’s Care but that was closed and then some EMT guy told them to go to the hospital but they’ve been there for hours and haven’t even been seen yet. Jared’s cleaning out our car.”
Bells and whistles begin going off in my head. I am left with a bunch of questions.
“Wait, what? It was serious enough to go to the hospital?”
“Yeah,” they replied “we got him some bandages but they wouldn’t hold. The cut was really deep and it just kept bleeding.”

Again, I was left with more questions than I had to begin with. It took a good 10 minutes of listening to them in hopes that those questions would get answered, but that was pointless. So then I just came out with them:
Q: Why in the world does it take 3 people to take one to the ER?
A: When Jacob came home bleeding all over the place, Kristen and Jared went for bandages while everyone else tried to get the bleeding to stop. After K&J came back, Mom took Jacob out to “find someone” to help. I’m STILL not clear about how it all happened, but the end result was that they went to Doctor’s Care (which was closed) and to the parking lot of some grocery store and found an EMT who (couldn’t fix it, but) told them to go to the ER. They called back here to my house and Jared offered to take Will and go sit with Jacob in the ER so that Mom could come home and enjoy time with the kids. Dad said he was going to go sit with Jacob and that Jared didn’t have to and Will went with him. So that’s how they all got there. After that, Mom came back to the house to go with Beth to the fireside thing but they decided not to go and Jared and I went to sit with Jacob and send Dad and Will back to the house to get ready to head home. If you’re keeping score, it turns out it takes 5 people to babysit one guy while he sat in a waiting room, an exam room, and a bigger exam room.
Q: Are Mom, Beth, and Kristen going to the fireside? They should have left 10 minutes ago if they were hoping to get there in time.
A: Kristen didn’t want to go. Beth wanted to go, but not by herself. Mom originally wanted to go, but didn’t want to leave Jacob and also felt bad that her grandkids hardly saw her all day, so she ended up really not wanting to go. Things were back and forth for a few minutes, but they ended up with Mom coming back to the house with Beth and got to see the kids for a little while before they left.
Q: Did Dad not go to the thing at the Stake Center? My Bishop was hoping to see him, David’s there by himself, and I thought he’d want to be there.
A: Nope.
Q: Did Will like the Wii?
A: We don’t know.
Q: What do you mean, you don’t know? This is one of the coolest technologies to come out big while he was on his mission, and you weren’t paying attention to his reaction?
A: Nope.
Q: Are there any more burgers left from the party?
A: Yeah, and hot dogs too.

So we all had leftovers while we thought about what to do. I changed my clothes and announced I was going to the ER to let everyone get out of there and get on with fun stuff and to knock some heads of the staff there. The last time I checked, it was hazardous to your health to be bleeding from your head for several hours without being seen. Either they were slammed with people (they’re never slammed) or they’re just inefficient (Ding ding ding! We have a winner!). The women had the brilliant idea of making sandwiches for the waiting crew, so Jared and I took them over there.

We waited for a while, sent Will and Dad back to the house, waited some more, and finally saw a human being. She told us to move to another exam room to wait some more. It turns out we didn’t have to wait long- the nurse or doctor came in soon with a needle this long… Just kidding. The needle wasn’t long. But the needles for the stitches looked like pure evil. They taped Jacob’s eyes shut and *We’re sorry, but the details of this encounter were removed from this record because they were in violation of HIPAA regulations. And that photograph you just took will need to be deleted as well. What were you thinking anyway?* Man, that looked painful.

Jacob kept asking me questions in Spanish while they were doing unmentionable things to him (not unmentionable as in immoral, unmentionable as in I don’t want to get sued). It didn’t do any good, though, because the Doc had spent several years in Miami and had picked up Cuban. I mean, Spanish. Her Spanish was pretty bad (partly because she was a gringo and partly because she learned Cuban), but she was pretty proficient at it.

Anyway, we got Jacob back to my house and sent him on his way home with strict instructions to avoid all vomiting and other signs of concussion. Then Jared and Kristen headed out and it was just us again. We watched a movie together and then hit the sack. All in all, it was a surprisingly phenomenal day.

Saturday, 31 January 2009 (part 1)

Yes, part 1. That means not only do you have to read ONE enormous post, there will be at least one more after it. And I'll have another soon (probably shorter) about the woodworking project that's been consuming me for the past month.

I've entitled this installment: Saturday's Surprise. Enjoy.

On the calendar, Saturday looked like any other in the month of January- overloaded. But thankfully my list was fairly short. All I had to do was finish my project, spend time with family, and attend a baptism at 5. Beth planned on going to an event at church in the evening so I guess I technically also had to push the kids through the bedtime routine, but that wasn’t a part of my list- that was Daddy duty.

The baptism would be easy (I didn’t have any major involvement in the plans), I just had to show up. Beth’s brother Will had returned from his mission to Chile just a few days earlier and the family was coming for their first visit since the Triumphal Return. We were all going to get a chance to hang out with Uncle Will (aka. Mr. Bill, aka Willis, fka Elder Edwards) and I was hoping to mop the floor with him in Wii Sports. As to finishing my project, that would take no longer than a couple of hours. I tasked myself weeks ago with creating a TV stand and was finally within sight of the finish line. All I had to do was assemble two small doors, attach them to the front of the cabinet, and transport it all inside the house. Those three tasks would only take a fraction of the waking hours of the day, leaving plenty of time for relaxation.

The morning started normally and as planned. The twins woke up at 6:30 am; we resisted getting out of bed until absolutely necessary, finally dragged ourselves into the kitchen for breakfast, and plugged the kids into their cartoon IV drip while we got stuff done around the house. I went out to the garage and began the final steps of my project. While I was out there, Beth’s brother, Jacob, called and asked me to give him a ride back home from the eye doctor since they were going to dilate his eyes. I finished attaching the cabinet doors by 10:15 and spent a couple of minutes with the kids before I headed out to get Jacob.

When I got to where Jacob was, he was waiting for me and jumped right into my car. We headed toward his house and I asked what he was going to do that day. He hadn’t mentioned coming over to our house to see the Golden Child when they came over, so I wanted to make sure he put that in the plans. We went to his place, where he showered and changed. Then we went through a tunnel (yes, we actually have a tunnel in Columbia) over to Bi-Lo where his friend Mary works. I hadn’t met Mary and neither had Beth, so I invited her to join us for an afternoon of crazy family fun at my house. I chauffeured them to my house and even played DJ with Jacob’s iPod during the commute.

We pulled into my yard- literally- and they jumped right out and headed for the door. I was a little behind them when they pushed open the door, so at first I thought the yell of “Surprise!” was for one of them. But then I saw people looking at me and recognized a mixture of friends and family- MY friends and family, in fact. Like a freight train, the thought rushed to my head “They threw me a surprise party! How awesome!” As I was looking around the room at all of the people that showed up to honor my Big Day, little details tormented me with their sudden clarity. I had seen a Focus wagon that looked like my parent’s car around the corner from my house. It hadn’t just looked like their car, it was their car- there was my Mom sitting at the computer desk, holding the twins. Jacob hadn’t forgotten about Will coming to town, he was the decoy- luring me out of the house while the party was readied. Dilated his eyes- yeah, right. I had been growing a goatee since the beginning of the year and Beth hadn’t hassled me about it too much. In fact, she told me I could keep it until the 31st- which just so happened to be the current date.

Beth was telling me how hard it had been to hide all of the details of this party. People were hugging me and telling me Happy Birthday and reminding me I was officially old now. Kids were running around, playing, popping balloons, and blowing noisemakers. Beth’s brothers and parents were apologizing for not calling me on my actual birthday earlier in the week- they had been in on the conspiracy and hadn’t called for various reasons. Some didn’t want to risk saying something to spoil the surprise, while others had gotten confused about the date because of the plans. Smells of food beckoned me from the kitchen. My neighbor, Frank, that I often carpooled to work with, was manning the grill and providing enough hot dogs and hamburgers to feed an army. I worked my way towards the food, greeting friends that had come from as far as across town and as close as just a few neighborhoods away. Streamers hung down from the archway leading to the kitchen. Balloons littered the floor and hung from the light fixture in the kitchen. A birthday cake, weighed down with 30 candles, sat on the oven. There were people covering every square foot of the den and dining areas. And there was a mountain of food covering every square inch of the countertop/bar structure that separated the kitchen from the dining area.

And then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, Beth hands me a scrapbook. I didn’t even have to know what it was about but with just a glance, I knew 2 things. First, it was new- I had never seen it before. Second, it was thick- thicker than my mission scrapbook. She spent months on my mission scrapbook, with my help. I understood then that my wife, who can’t tell a lie, had gone through an enormous amount of effort to surprise me with this day. This party represented effort, love, dedication, commitment, focus, and the desire to show me how much she loved me and that I am surrounded by loving friends and family. I fell in love with my wife for yet another reason.

I’d like to thank all of you that participated in that event- whether or not you showed up. You showed me your love and your willingness to add to my happiness and I love you for it. Thank you for helping my darling wife “deceive” me. Thank you for giving her ideas, covering for her, keeping me from asking too many questions, agreeing to help her do something hard, all that and more. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and I can’t thank you enough. I will remember that party as one of the happiest days ever.

A Learning Moment

I was sitting at the computer desk the other day and the kids were surrounding my chair. We were playing- making funny noises, talking, and basically enjoying our time together.

Seth put on my shoes and hat, muscled his way through the cluster of kids so that he could be right next to me, and said, "I'm being you" (meaning me). The girls thought that was pretty funny, so they started babbling to me as well. They all wanted my attention, so they were jostling each other to be the closest to my chair. Since Seth is a good head taller than the girls, he was the most successful at staying close to me. He announced again, "I want to be just like you, Daddy."

I was touched by the sentiment, but conflicted emotionally by what I saw the kids doing. They were fighting- pushing each other to compete for my attention. I understand it, but it makes me sad to see them fight.

And then it happened- just like in some dramatic novel. My thoughts were swept away and drawn to a circumstance recorded in the New Testament. I could picture the Savior talking with Peter, the chief apostle. He was trying to convey the same emotion to Peter with his plea "Feed my sheep". I could almost hear Him say it because I felt that same emotion in my heart. I love my children dearly and I want them all to be happy. But since there's only one of me, I need them to be kind to and show support for each other. They can help me keep everyone happy.

So, as gently as I could (not at all meant to be critical of his actions), I plead with my son. "Seth, if you want to be like me, you should be kind to your little sisters like I am." He looked around and realized that he had been pushing and then stepped back to let the twins get closer to me. He understood. Just like Peter did, he showed me that he loved me.

The REAL providers of our liberty

I meant to post this yesterday, but I didn't get around to it.

Thank you, veterans and active soldiers, for your service. I cannot express fully even the profoundness of the gratitude I feel for your sacrifice and the sacrifice of those who are no longer among us.

"It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate. It is the soldier, not the lawyer, who has given us the right to a fair trial. It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves under the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag."

-- Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, USMC

Again- thank you.

It's more than just vocabulary

We finally got a gym membership. I was most interested because the local YMCA has a pool and I'd like for the kids to learn to swim, but after we got the membership I thought I should probably use it more than just every once in a while to swim as a family. So, I've been learning more about exercise and fitness.
As friends and family tell me more about "working out," I've learned that there is a vocabulary for the whole thing. Things like "reps" and "sets" for weight lifting, "calories" and "lipoproteins" for health, and more brand names for fitness machines than I care to count.
But it's more than just vocabulary- did you know that there are (according to some) 5 principles of fitness (beware the pop-ups)? When's the last time you looked at the food pyramid? Anyone here know how many leafy, green veggies you're supposed to have in a week? And how about figuring out the difference between a restaurant serving and a "recommended serving"? It's enough to make your head spin.
Here's the point: Some of you, as you're reading this, are thinking in your heads "It's not that complicated, you just make sure you eat... and do... and take..." Maybe it's simple for you, but think for a minute about what it took to learn all you know about it- you've been learning as you go.

The programming world has a huge vocabulary. If anyone in my family (or ward family) interested in learning to program in C#, please let me know. I'd be happy to share. Here's one of my favorite Help Desk acronyms: PEBKAC (pronounced PEB-kack) - Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

In our church, we have vocabulary and we have a lifestyle. When people visit us for the first time, they probably feel like I do about fitness- happy and amazed, but also a little overwhelmed and worn out. I've been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (I almost wrote "I've been LDS for..." sheesh, I'm slow sometimes) for more than 20 years now, so our vocabulary and lifestyle are a natural part of me and require no thought. But I'm going to work harder to help others as much as I can in the transition.

Those are just three examples of the concept I'm trying to share. And speaking of sharing, I issue a formal invitation to all to help others learn vocabularies and practices- don't leave them in the dark just for the sake of being an exclusive "insider."

How often do you have "tough conversations"?

On a day that only comes around every 4 years, I thought I'd mention something that only seems to come around every so often as well.

My parents split up when I was 1 and I grew up without a Dad. When I was 17, a good friend helped me realize that I still wondered why, what had happened, and what part I had played in all that. Shortly after that realization, my father came into town and I asked him if we could have some time to chat. The conversation I had with him was one of the hardest ones I've ever had. I asked him why he left, what happened to the relationship between my mom and him, and what he wanted out of a relationship with me. He made me feel very comfortable, so the conversation went well, but afterwards I wept long and hard. That kind of openness strained me almost too much. I feared his answers, I was afraid I wouldn't have the guts to ask all of the questions that plagued me, and I had no idea how I would react in the moment. And I think we're both better for it. Today we have a peer-like relationship, which is a very good thing.

I'm not at all suggesting that we need to be confrontational with anyone. My conversation with my father was held across a table in a local diner. We enjoyed a meal together and no one raised his voice. It was a calm, peaceful, healing conversation between "adults". What had me so high-strung was the content, not the delivery- I'm typically non-confrontational, bordering on passive-aggressive.

Here's what I am suggesting: How often do we ask tough questions with the intent of promoting growth?

• How often do you analyze your own thoughts- the things you allow your mind to entertain? Would your mother approve of what you have floating around in there? What are you going to do to change? That's a tough question.
• When was the last time you made sure your relationship with your spouse is just as you imagine it to be? Are you on equal footing spiritually? Do you love each other equally? Are you equally yoked? Is there more you can do to show your love? Do you need more than you're getting? What are you going to do to change? That's a tough question. And even tougher than that is the challenge to ask those questions without seeming whiny, demanding, unsupportive, unhappy, or terse. We all need love and we are all mostly happy. Can we make what we have even better?
• Is there anyone in your past that you haven't forgiven? Why not? What are you going to do to change? That's a tough question.
• We all have dreams for our futures, call them what you wish- ambitions, goals, aspirations, schemes, etc. And we all have circumstances and challenges. Is there any way to accomplish those dreams, given our circumstances? For example, I have 4 small children and a beautiful wife that I love being around. I've got a great job that provides for our needs in such a way that my wife can stay home with the kids. We're happy with that arrangement. I have wanted to earn a Ph.D. and teach at a university for many years- that's my dream. But a dream like that would require either missing out on spending time with my family for several years or quitting my job. The tough series of questions that I'm in the process of asking myself is: Is there any possible way I can accomplish my dream in my current circumstances? (No.) Am I willing to change my circumstances to accomplish my dream? (Yes.) Can my circumstances be changed? (No.) My dear wife and I decided 6 years ago- before we were first married- that having a family is one of our highest priorities. I chose then to have children and set aside my ambitions for them. If I were to quit my job or neglect my family, that would go against my highest priorities. That's not going to happen. How am I dealing with that? What do I intend to do about it? That's a tough question.
• Are you doing everything we can and should to take care of our bodies? Can you really change by yourself? What are you going to do to change? That's a tough question.
• Are you as good a person as you imagine yourself to be? Are you as good a friend as you envision yourself to be? What are you going to do to change? What makes that a tough question is we tend to be blind to our faults.

Tough questions and tough conversations should lead to growth, not division. Be sure to say a prayer before you ask these questions- even if you're asking them of yourself.

Happy Leap Year!