On a day that only comes around every 4 years, I thought I'd mention something that only seems to come around every so often as well.
My parents split up when I was 1 and I grew up without a Dad. When I was 17, a good friend helped me realize that I still wondered why, what had happened, and what part I had played in all that. Shortly after that realization, my father came into town and I asked him if we could have some time to chat. The conversation I had with him was one of the hardest ones I've ever had. I asked him why he left, what happened to the relationship between my mom and him, and what he wanted out of a relationship with me. He made me feel very comfortable, so the conversation went well, but afterwards I wept long and hard. That kind of openness strained me almost too much. I feared his answers, I was afraid I wouldn't have the guts to ask all of the questions that plagued me, and I had no idea how I would react in the moment. And I think we're both better for it. Today we have a peer-like relationship, which is a very good thing.
I'm not at all suggesting that we need to be confrontational with anyone. My conversation with my father was held across a table in a local diner. We enjoyed a meal together and no one raised his voice. It was a calm, peaceful, healing conversation between "adults". What had me so high-strung was the content, not the delivery- I'm typically non-confrontational, bordering on passive-aggressive.
Here's what I am suggesting: How often do we ask tough questions with the intent of promoting growth?
- How often do you analyze your own thoughts- the things you allow your mind to entertain? Would your mother approve of what you have floating around in there? What are you going to do to change? That's a tough question.
- When was the last time you made sure your relationship with your spouse is just as you imagine it to be? Are you on equal footing spiritually? Do you love each other equally? Are you equally yoked? Is there more you can do to show your love? Do you need more than you're getting? What are you going to do to change? That's a tough question. And even tougher than that is the challenge to ask those questions without seeming whiny, demanding, unsupportive, unhappy, or terse. We all need love and we are all mostly happy. Can we make what we have even better?
- Is there anyone in your past that you haven't forgiven? Why not? What are you going to do to change? That's a tough question.
- We all have dreams for our futures, call them what you wish- ambitions, goals, aspirations, schemes, etc. And we all have circumstances and challenges. Is there any way to accomplish those dreams, given our circumstances? For example, I have 4 small children and a beautiful wife that I love being around. I've got a great job that provides for our needs in such a way that my wife can stay home with the kids. We're happy with that arrangement. I have wanted to earn a Ph.D. and teach at a university for many years- that's my dream. But a dream like that would require either missing out on spending time with my family for several years or quitting my job. The tough series of questions that I'm in the process of asking myself is: Is there any possible way I can accomplish my dream in my current circumstances? (No.) Am I willing to change my circumstances to accomplish my dream? (Yes.) Can my circumstances be changed? (No.) My dear wife and I decided 6 years ago- before we were first married- that having a family is one of our highest priorities. I chose then to have children and set aside my ambitions for them. If I were to quit my job or neglect my family, that would go against my highest priorities. That's not going to happen. How am I dealing with that? What do I intend to do about it? That's a tough question.
- Are you doing everything we can and should to take care of our bodies? Can you really change by yourself? What are you going to do to change? That's a tough question.
- Are you as good a person as you imagine yourself to be? Are you as good a friend as you envision yourself to be? What are you going to do to change? What makes that a tough question is we tend to be blind to our faults.
Tough questions and tough conversations should lead to growth, not division. Be sure to say a prayer before you ask these questions- even if you're asking them of yourself.
Happy Leap Year!
